22 September 2020

Where's My Head At?

 


My head has been an uncomfortable place this September and this piece of writing is truly a reflection of that. 

A little something you should know is that I quit my job in August and on September 2nd started something both new and familiar. Daunting. Intimidating. Uncomfortable. You know what it's like to start a new job right? Something you've done for years previously but, that makes you feel brand new...and not in a good way.

The change I had planned in my head since July ended on a high that left me questioning everything. I wondered whether I had made a foolish choice and whether I took for granted the work family I'd grown to love over the past 2.5 years. I've concluded that both of those things were false. I made the right choice even though it was tough and I never took for granted the kindness and support from everyone I'd met. 

What I took for granted I must admit was the stability. In recent months I'd found myself in a place where I wanted to pick and choose more. Take control of my life entirely and make the rules but, what I didn't consider was that this lifestyle quite literally comes at a price. It's up to me now to accept work as and when it comes in and that truly could be in drips and drabs. My earnings could flourish one month and dwindle the next so, psyching myself up and forecasting the future has sent my anxiety crazy.

I spent my first half of September crying a lot to everyone I encountered. Every conversation was teary eyed and I spent every day on the sofa, cuddled up under my blanket binging Married at First Sight Australia. I slept during the day often and struggled to motivate myself to do anything of importance. I drank a lot of gin gratefully gifted to me by those amazing ex co-workers I told you about and, felt lower than I'd anticipated. Whatever I cooked I couldn't eat and I wasted money on takeaways I couldn't stomach either. Everything was a no from me.

As the month of September has progressed I've found myself continuing to live with a level of anxiety that won't rest. I'm no longer crying constantly but, it wouldn't take much to send me off that ledge again. However, writing this now I feel content, safe and relatively calm. That's the thing with anxiety. It always feels inescapable but, somehow here you are, here I am still living to tell you that yet again, I made it through. It won't be the last time but, it always gets better eventually. 

One positive about the headspace I've found myself within this month is that I've become hyper-organised. I've managed to outline my spending and availability to earn money up until January - Maybe I've gone a step too far? I would usually tell you that being hyper-organised is too much and counterproductive but, it's actually helped me recently by taking a lot of worry off of my mind. It's not okay that anxiety has me planning my life away but, I also pride myself in being a reliable on top of things sort of person. Want to know what I'm doing November 3rd? Well, I can tell you! Yes, this might be overkill and if plans change I'll have to make alterations but, there's nothing I dislike more than people who are chaotic and sloppy with their time management. 

FYI: If you have an anxious friend please for the love of God stick to the plans you make with them and show up on every level. I hope my friends are reading this. 

Moving on. Whilst attempting to reflect on some recent good in my life, I realised that it's been a year since me and my partner moved to our humble red brick house. A house we want to live and thrive in forever. When I think about everything that has changed within a year or not I've found that life will always work itself out. Currently, my head hurts constantly and anxiety is winning without a doubt but, I've been here before and I'll probably be here again. It's all sent to test us right? And I shall persevere in this home I instantly fell in love with July 2019.

Other September happenings include: becoming part of the neighbourhood chicken egg club. No we don't have chickens (I wish) but, our neighbour has started giving us eggs from his and we're very happy about it. Our garden is getting an upgrade in the form of a big shed for my partners vintage car restoration project - arguably this is more exciting for him than me but, I'm looking forward to possibly painting it. I spotted a hedgehog on our front lawn which made me both terrified and happy as I tiredly exited the car at 10pm after work and heard a lot of shuffling around me. I finally treated myself to some new Autumn oversized clothes and can confirm that comfort is my fashion style choice moving forward. I still haven't worn makeup other than mascara since March and my skin is THRIVING. But, I did get my eyebrows waxed and tinted recently which made me the happiest girl. And, I've gained quite a few new subscribers to the Sunday Club newsletter which I'm feeling all kinds of giddy about. No, I didn't publish a newsletter towards the middle of September as planned but things are going to pick up (I hope) this Autumn for the club and I'm so looking forward to sharing it all. 

So, yes. Life has been kind of hellish this month but I could've predicted that. There's been some small moments of joy and lots to feel hopeful about somewhere. I'm slowly getting back on track with content and feeling more human again but, I'm also trying to be gentle and allow myself to spend a lot more time hibernating on the sofa throughout the weeks ahead. I'm fully aware that I'm not out of the woods yet. Expect a lot more mental health content coming your way, helping to ease my mind and offer some advice to help you...because believe me when I tell you that I know what it's like to feel trapped inside of yourself. But that I also truly want to help us get through this funk together. I created this blog in the midst of not knowing who I was last Autumn and, it's already become so much more for me than expected. I hope you feel at home here and never alone. 

I do. 

7 comments

  1. I loved the way you put your candid emotions together here. It happens sometimes, just a phase you know. Glad you found ways to relax. More power to you.

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  2. I loved your honesty about your emotions Kate, it's good to hear that you're doing ok again now x

    Lucy | www.lucymary.co.uk

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    1. Thank you Lucy. I always try to share my real thoughts and feelings, so I'm pleased you enjoyed reading x

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  3. Sending you lots of hugs, sorry that you've been struggling anxiety sucks. Glad to hear you are doing better and able to find little joys this month x

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  4. It takes real courage to take the decisions you took. And even more to then put them down on paper and tell the world. It sounds like you are getting back to where you want to be slowly. Good luck with the next few weeks.

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  5. Thanks for sharing this. Glad to know you are getting back on track. Stay strong! Much love to you.
    xoxo
    Lovely
    www.mynameislovely.com

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