The Little Crunch

Personal Development | Mental Health | Slow Living

A Wake Up Call | Discussing Loneliness


In the midst of a long weekend off of work and away from my partner, I'm feeling a level of solitude I dislike. 

Being in my own company and wanting to enjoy alone time is one thing, but being forced to is another. Yet, no one has exactly involuntarily made me sit alone at home, in fact, I was actually looking forward to these four days. I prepared by buying all of my favourite foods that my partner doesn't usually enjoy including salmon, lemon cheesecake, an array of snacks and fancy bread. I've caught up with friends too, drank my favourite gin and had a lot of laughs. But, in the moments between I've felt that my brain is an uncomfortable place to be.

Yesterday with a slight hangover I achieved nothing. I wanted to get up, tidy the house, cook myself a delicious dinner, write and feel productive, but I didn't. As the hours went on my day became wasted. I wanted to shower or take a bath, but I didn't. I laid in bed scrolling through social media for hours on end and felt incredibly sorry for myself. I took several naps, ate everything in sight, and kept opening my blog. I managed to write a couple of ideas down, but nothing came to fruition. 

This morning when I woke up I felt much the same. I endlessly scrolled through my phone for over an hour, and then suddenly my brain kicked into gear. Everything I should have done yesterday has happened this morning. My house is immaculate. The dishes have been done, the washing is in, I've eaten a good breakfast, I've showered, dyed my hair and have written this blog post. Later on I'm going to cook myself a delicious little roast dinner and in the evening I have friends visiting. 

Nonetheless, what I'm realising from yesterday is how dangerous being truly alone can feel. I think I knew this morning that because I had friends coming over I needed to get my shit together, but when I knew I had nothing to look forward to yesterday my day was dark. That loneliness is something I used to feel everyday when I was in my late teens and something I haven't experienced in a long time. 

I think I'm also coming to the realisation that I never overcame that loneliness. That depression is still inside of me somewhere, but I've been surrounded by a loving partner for the past four years and, before I met him I lived with friends and led a very social lifestyle mostly. 

It's difficult for me to tackle this subject so head on because I'm always preaching about the importance of liking your own company, but I wouldn't be being honest if I pretended that every day was perfect. I love being with myself when I'm in the right kind of productive mood and thankfully these days happen more frequently than the bad; however the bad moods are truly miserable.

This weekend has been a real wake up call. A true eye opener in to my mental health journey and recovery. I'm not happy with the way my Saturday turned out, but it's certainly made me understand a few things about myself / my life a little better...

10 years ago I used to sit on my mums sofa everyday with absolutely nothing to do and nothing to look forward to. I had no plans for the future or knew whether I wanted to be part of it. For a while everyday felt lonesome. 5 years ago during my final year at uni I hit rock bottom after losing a loved one and barely managed to pass my degree as a result. I've come so far since then and today I'm living a life I'm mostly happy with, and have a future I'm looking forward to being part of.

This war is one I'll always be fighting no doubt. Fortunately these lonely days are few and far between. I just certainly wasn't prepared yesterday to be hit with such a wave of darkness. I felt so ashamed and alone. So incapable of meeting my basic needs and just so exhausted. I hope that whenever this mood strikes again in future I can accept a bad day for what it is, sleep it off and carry on with no guilt. 

Comments

  1. This is such an important blog post my darling. Loneliness is something that no one really understands or even talks about very often!

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  2. Eventually, loneliness leads to depression. A lot of people after retirement find themselves lost and scared. This is important to talk about, at all ages!

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    1. Agreed. I think when you spend your days living a social existence and then you're forced to slow things down it can really take a hit on your mental health. I work with elderly people and understand the importance of quality social interaction and meaningful activities. I almost wish I was in work this weekend, as I know my mental health would have benefited too.

      Thanks for reading x

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  3. I 100% relate to everything you said. I lived in halls for uni last year and there were a few times where I could go a day or two without seeing or speaking to anyone (a thing no one mentions about uni). I would often find myself in the same way as you did, lying in bed doing nothing even though I should have been doing something. Thank you for speaking out about this issue and making myself (and I’m sure others as well) know they’re not alone in this ­čĺť

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    1. Thank you so much for reading. I think in light of recent events it's more important than ever to speak out. I'm so sorry you went through some dark times at university and you're right, it's an aspect of uni life that no one really speaks about despite the fact that it probably happens to everyone at some point. Uni is a very social experience, but there are also a lot of low moments of uncertainty xx

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  4. this post is wonderful. its taken me years to get to where i am and even now im only really starting my mental health journey on tuesday! {hooray for finally seeking medical help amirite}

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    1. Thank you for reading. Wishing you all the best on your mental health recovery! From my own personal experience counselling helped me enormously, so I really help you feel similarly x

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  5. This was so interesting to read. I'm alone a lot of the time, probably 80% of my time (maybe more) is just me and it's crossed my mind a few times how this might impact me if I ever find myself in that kind of negative head space. I think it's great that you're able to recognise this for what it is easily. Understanding how you're feeling is one of the biggest issues sometimes. I'm glad you have such good people in your life so you don't experience this often though ❤ x

    Sophie

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    1. Thank you so much for reading. I never really realised until talking to my mum today, but I've never actually lived alone...which might be why I really struggled this weekend too. I've had a lot of time spent alone, but with people coming and going all of the time it's a little different. Plus, me and my partner moved into our new house in September and it was my first time alone here for such an extended period x

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  6. Such an important post. I think lonelieness among younger people needs to be addressed more often. I love my alone time because I live with 3 other people and I'm NEVER alone. But when my anxiety first started, that wasn't the case and I was on my own so much and it really affected me x

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    1. Thank you Jenny. I used to / still do often experience episodes of anxiousness and that's actually worse than the loneliness. I think we talk about loneliness in elderly people a lot and even though that's deeply sad, there are also so many young people experiencing similar too. I hope more people come together to combat such mental health challenges. I certainly find my job working in care is so beneficial for my own mental wellbeing as well as the lovely individuals I look after x

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